Get Hard or Your Money Back. Start here

How To Be A Sexually Confident Man

Angela Sheddan

Medically reviewed by Angela Sheddan

Written by Our Editorial Team

Last updated 10/24/2021

Google “confidence tips” and you’ll get a whole litany of self-starter “rise and grind”-type information, strung together by guys who, frankly, just don’t know all that much about it.

You know the content we’re talking about. Drink strong black coffee made from beans cultivated in an Alaskan cave. 

Wear 30-ounce selvedge denim that’s so thick and stiff you can cut cardboard with it. “Never let them see you cry,” even though no one ever even clarifies who “them” is.

This kind of advice may have its heart in the right place, but confidence isn’t something you can believe into existence — especially if you don’t understand why it wasn’t there in the first place. 

And nowhere is this more clear than in the bedroom. The whole “fake it ‘til you make it” bit just doesn’t work there.

Being sexually confident feels like a necessity to make your partners happy, but “faking” it isn’t the kind of honesty, vulnerability or happiness you want in your bedroom for the long haul. 

To get the right kind of sexual confidence, you need to do it the right way. That starts with understanding what’s going on in your head.

Sexual Confidence: What It Is and Why You Need It

Sexual confidence is simply the confidence you carry into sexual situations. Sexual self-esteem is the value you give yourself as a sexual being. 

These are important traits to possess for a healthy, functional sexual life and/or sexual relationship, because negative attitudes toward your sexuality and your confidence in sexual situations can affect your mental health.

Sexual confidence can be related to one of many factors. A man may have low sexual confidence due to body issues that make him self conscious of his appearance, or he may suffer from sexual dysfunctions like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction that can create confidence issues related to his performance. 

While height, weight and general fitness level are commonly discussed body issues that men may be self conscious about, penis size is also often a topic of concern, and sexual confidence can be associated with concerns about whether a man’s penis is “big enough” to satisfy their sexual partner.

Why Some Men Have Low Sexual Confidence: Causes

Studies have shown that there are several ways in which a lack of sexual confidence can manifest. Most of the causes of a lack of self confidence come from concerns related to sexual interactions and/or rejection by a partner. 

For instance, sexual fear, sexual depression and sexual anxiety are all common variables or dimensions of “sexual self-concept,” a term that simply means how we view our sexual selves. 

Whether these things are related to existing sexual dysfunctions or perceived shortcomings is, to a degree, moot — if you think you’re not going to make your partner happy, you’re in the wrong headspace for a satisfying and enjoyable sexual encounter.

viagra online

genuine viagra. you’ll never look back.

How to Feel Sexually Confident

Sexual confidence comes from a number of sources, but none of those, we’re sorry to say, are available without addressing some key issues. 

Whether it’s a lingering concern related to body dysmorphia, concerns about penis size or just some unaddressed sexual performance issues or performance-related anxieties, you’ve got to get those things under control. 

We’ve broken the strategies into a few categories. Consider all of them important for your total-picture sexual confidence and health. 

Address Body Issues Big and Small

One of the most beneficial actions you can take to rebuild or increase your sexual confidence is to simply address those physical symptoms and potential causes. 

Losing weight or hitting the gym are no small tasks, but if you perceive that your confidence might improve from doing some (healthy) things to change what you see in the mirror, then it’s a good use of your time and effort. 

Likewise, if you’re having performance issues like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, talking to a healthcare professional about your symptoms can work wonders. 

While the conversation can be a little daunting at first, it’s important to address conditions like ED because they can eventually lead to avoidant behavior and even loss of interest in sexual activity — and usually, that’s as a result of the damage done to your sexual confidence.

Changes in diet and exercise to address all of these issues (as long as they’re approved by a healthcare professional) are great for your well-being — sexual and otherwise. 

But treating conditions like ED has been shown to greatly improve confidence because, once the problem is addressed, there’s nothing stopping you.

Clear Your Mental Blocks and Barriers

We hate to say it this way, but great sex is a two-way street, and the people you’re forming an intimate relationship with are going to have to be part of the full-picture solution. 

That means communicating with them about your anxieties, your fears and the worries you experience that keep you from feeling and being confident in the bedroom. 

Part of this is also remembering that rejection (or a lack of interest from your partner) may exacerbate your confidence issues, but it’s not necessarily a reflection of your attractiveness. Changing hormone levels and aging can make it so that even the most eager partner isn’t always going to be perma-horny. Accepting that as part of love and not letting it harm your self image is part of sexual confidence.

It’s important that you remind yourself of this regularly. Sexual satisfaction is deeply linked with communication, and research shows links between intimacy and communication issues. 

Compassion is also one of the keys to defeating relationship-hindering problems like performance anxiety, which may be resolved as easily as telling your partner you’re feeling anxious — they may respond well, lovingly and with just the right touch without even the slightest prompting. 

Even if they don’t, starting the dialogue is the first step on a longer journey.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It — In the Good Way

As much as we railed on the idea of faking anything, there are some behaviors and habits related to sexual health and confidence that you can take on now. 

Practicing these may eventually lead you to feel more comfortable — and they may make things even better with your partner than they’ve ever been before. 

Starting with simple things like communication is a great way to rebuild confidence. A good partner will listen and give you feedback and validation in a judgement free space, which can take the taboo out of your health and body image concerns.

Likewise, you might consider being more direct with your partner about things you want, and about asking them about things that they enjoy — from exploring fetishes and kinks, to simple technique requests. 

Whether you’ve been with someone for a long time or only a few weeks, this is a great opportunity to explore each other’s bodies (and talk about needs and desires).

Finally, being confident is, at the end of the day, really about how we bounce back after rejection, failure or other setbacks. 

A bad night in bed is not a reflection of your character or your self worth, any more than a bad play is a reflection of a sport’s team’s legacy. 

What is a reflection of your character and value is how you respond to these setbacks, and whether you move forward and try again, or give up.

sildenafil online

get hard or your money back

Gaining Sexual Confidence: The Takeaways

Sexual confidence isn’t about throwing being a weirdo, or a macho tough guy, or pretending like your dick is God’s gift to every woman you encounter. 

That stuff is old, tired and cringey. Today, sexual confidence is about having a good sex life, a healthy sex life and enjoying it respectfully with your partner while living to the fullest. 

If that’s what you’re looking for, the right next step is speaking to a healthcare professional. 

They’ll be able to help you find the right treatment options for what’s keeping you from being your best, most confident self, whether it’s a physical cause like premature ejaculation, or a psychological cause of ED.

Lastly, remember that sexual confidence isn’t something you earn — you don’t have to change anything to get there. 

Sexual confidence is something you find, you regain, because you never deserved to lose it in the first place.

9 Sources

Hims & Hers has strict sourcing guidelines to ensure our content is accurate and current. We rely on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical associations. We strive to use primary sources and refrain from using tertiary references.

  1. Jones, A. C., Robinson, W. D., & Seedall, R. B. (2018). The Role of Sexual Communication in Couples' Sexual Outcomes: A Dyadic Path Analysis. Journal of marital and family therapy, 44(4), 606–623. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29044661/.
  2. Symptoms & Causes of Erectile Dysfunction. (2017, July 01). Retrieved January 08, 2021, from https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/urologic-diseases/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes.
  3. Althof, S. E., O' Leary, M. P., Cappelleri, J. C., Glina, S., King, R., Tseng, L. J., Bowler, J. L., & US and International SEAR study group (2006). Self-esteem, confidence, and relationships in men treated with sildenafil citrate for erectile dysfunction: results of two double-blind, placebo-controlled trials. Journal of general internal medicine, 21(10), 1069–1074. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1831645/.
  4. Salehi, M., Kharaz Tavakol, H., Shabani, M., & Ziaei, T. (2015). The relationship between self-esteem and sexual self-concept in people with physical-motor disabilities. Iranian Red Crescent medical journal, 17(1), e25359. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4341498/.
  5. Jennifer L. Montesi. Robert L. Fauber. Elizabeth A. Gordon, Richard G. Heimberg. The specific importance of communicating about sex to couples’ sexual and overall relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
  6. 28(5) 591–609. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0265407510386833.
  7. How Depression Can Affect Sexual Health. UNC Health Talk. (2020, November 12). https://healthtalk.unchealthcare.org/how-depression-can-affect-sexual-health/.
  8. Hasan Batmaz, Eyüp Çelik. Sexual dissatisfaction and sexual self-efficacy: an examination of the role of sexual self-confidence as a mediator. Journal of Men's Health. 2021. https://jomh.org/articles/10.31083/jomh.2021.067.
  9. Johnston, Lucy & McLellan, Tracey & Mckinlay, Audrey. (2014). (Perceived) Size Really Does Matter: Male Dissatisfaction With Penis Size. Psychology of Men & Masculinity. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263924630_Perceived_Size_Really_Does_Matter_Male_Dissatisfaction_With_Penis_Size
What’s next?

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment.

📫 Get updates from hims

Insider tips, early access and more.